My name is Flexor Pollicis Longus, commander of the Digits of the Left Hand, General of the Opposable Thumb Legions, loyal servant to the true emperor, Stewartus Russellius. Father to a murdered joke, husband to a murdered blog. And I will have my vengeance, in this life or the next.
So it was that on a Boxing Day in 2017, there was a jar of pickle. And Stew and Cathy thought that cold meats and pickles goeth well together.
And so it came to pass that Stew, of noble brow and indefatigable nature, did volunteer to be the one to slay the jar of pickle and rescue the fair maid’s cold meat from blandness.
Yea it also came to pass that the jar of pickle was strong and unyielding. Stew did verily strike at it in every way imaginable.
He did wrestle it with both hands.
He did smite it with the rubber cone-shaped thing designed to open jars.
He did grapple with it furiously with a big metal implement that looks a bit like a can opener but is in fact designed especially for opening jars.
He even took it to the hot water tap and did scald it ferociously.
Eventually, after all manner of brutal combat, the jar of pickles did yield unto Stew’s mighty grip, and the cold meat was no longer bland, and Cathy saw that the cold meat was no longer bland.
And Cathy thought that Stew was a mighty warrior.
Then Stew sayeth unto Cathy “I’ve done something to my thumb. I am wounded fair maid, help me.” But Cathy was eating her cold meat and pickle and ignored him.
So it was that Stew was sorely wounded. The tendon called flexor pollicis longus of his left thumb was incapacitated, and he couldn’t bend his thumb at all.
He did go unto the docs that stayeth in the high house called the “Health Centre”, and the doc sayeth unto him “I cannot help you noble warrior, I shall send you unto the plastic surgeon at the mighty fortress on the Hill known only as ‘QA’.”
And Stewart was mightily feared at this, for he had heard tales of misery and trauma at the ‘QA’. Yet he did gird his loins, and bravely set foot in his car and challenged the hordes of orcs that did throng the car park at ‘QA’.
After hours of tedium where he did struggle to find his way through dark corridors and stairwells, he was finally granted an audience by the Lord High Consultant plastic surgeon. And it was that Stew’s injury did baffle him, and the Lord High Consultant plastic surgeon did decide to use all of his mighty magical powers to cure Stew’s flexor pollicis longus.
First he sent him to a witch nurse who did apply the wondrous ultrasound spell upon him. And lo, Stew and the witch nurse could see the tendon all the way from the tip of his thumb to the muscle mass in his inner forearm. But there the witch nurse lost the trace, and could not see any deeper into his injury.
Then the Lord High Consultant plastic surgeon did send him to the next witch doctor, who used the spell of clinical neurophysiology on him. She did stick a needle in his arm, and Stew was alarmed by this. Then she urged Stew to remain silent, for the spell could not work without complete quiet.
And the needle was wired to an oscilloscope, and the white noise on the oscilloscope became ragged as pulses of sound ripped through the needle as Stew tried in vain to bend his thumb. The witch doctor did listen to the sound of the nerves as they spoke to the tendon, but she did not tell Stew what it was that they were saying.
Stew returned to the Lord High Consultant plastic surgeon once more, and this time the surgeon decided to use his most powerful and greatest magic spell to cure the flexor pollicis longus.
He sent Stew to see another witch nurse, this one cast another spell, called MRI Scan. But she was a clumsy witch, and had not secured her potions properly, and so she had to send Stew through the ordeal twice. The witch nurse could not tell Stew what the MRI Scan spell had found out, as her supervising goblin was busy doing something else.
It was some time later that Stew was summoned by the Lord High Consultant plastic surgeon, and the surgeon told unto Stew what the witches had said. And he uttered the words “anterior interosseous nerve syndrome”, and Stew was mightily afraid.
The Lord High Consultant plastic surgeon said that he might have to cut into Stew’s arm to release the flexor pollicis longus that was trapped within, but that he had one last spell that he knew of, and one last witch nurse that could cast it.
And so it came to pass that Stew was sent unto the witch nurse physiotherapist, and she did cast her rune-sticks. Some of the rune-sticks were called “protractors”, to measure the angle of flexibility of the thumb. And also she had tuning fork-like grips that Stew had to try to squeeze together twixt thumb and forefinger.
Yet still Stew’s left thumb was weak, and it could not squeeze the pip from a grape. His right thumb was verily strong and made great measurements on her rune-sticks, and she sayeth unto Stew that he needeth to exercise the left thumb to make it as strong as the right.
She did say unto Stew that he should try to push a dent into a sponge to start with. Yet still Stew’s thumb was weak, and he could not do it.
To make himself happy, Stew did accompany Cathy unto a National Trust place, called Uppark House. And therein they did visit the café for tea and cake. Yet Stew was broken in despair when he tried to lift the lid of the cake stand with his left hand, and couldn’t.
Stew returned to the witch nurse physiotherapist. She encouraged him by casting the rune sticks on four days, and each day he grew stronger.
Eventually it came to pass that she told him that her spells were all cast, she could do no more for him. He should return to the Lord High Consultant plastic surgeon and see what his examination would reveal.
Lo, on the appointed day, Stew did attend upon the Lord High Consultant plastic surgeon at the “Q.A.”. Stew did bend his left thumb, almost, but not quite, as well as his right thumb would bend. And the Lord High Consultant plastic surgeon saw that it was good. And Stew saw that it was good. And the Lord High Consultant plastic surgeon told Stew that he could return home now, all was well, and he would not be inserting his knife into Stew’s arm.
And Stew was mightily relieved, and went off home to get ready to go and watch the Hawks take on Boreham Wood that evening at the temple they call “West Leigh Park”.
And then he vowed to go the very next day and play his first game of golf for ages.
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